Things every girl needs to know about life after graduation

1. It’s time to create a new email address

It’s hard to say goodbye to your first email address, but it is time. Having xxblonde_cutie1991xx69lol@hotmail.com may have been appropriate on your CV when applying for a job at the local supermarket, but now it is time for grown up pants and with grown up pants comes grown up email addresses. Like your actual name. emilygmckay@gmail.com (let’s face it, no one takes hotmail seriously anymore). Nothing shows how mature you are than having an email address comprising solely of your name.

2. Your degree doesn’t have to equal your career.

Have you heard of Jenna Marbles? Youtube’s reigning queen, after completing her Masters in Sports Psychology, was a part-time spray tanner part-time go-go dancer when her Youtube career kicked off. The only time she is using her degree is when she uses it as a Nerf Gun shield. If you start work as a nurse, teacher, palaeontologist, film critic, doctor etc. and realise it isn’t for you there are a million things you can do instead. Your degree has taught you about research, deadlines, independence, teamwork and all those other awesome things you put on your resume – don’t feel restricted by your major.

3. You don’t need to rush into adult life.

If you want to stay in bed eating pizza and watching Pretty Little Liars for the entire week, do it. If you want to do a spontaneous trip to Ireland and get drunk in Temple Bar for the year, do it. If you want to date a Brony and stock your room with Adventure Time merchandise, do it. If you want to spend the weekend teaching yourself the Cup Song from Pitch Perfect, then do it. There are no rules to this thing (though there are laws – so no flicking your bean in public or taking a dump on your bosses desk), and you have your whole life to act like an adult. What’s the rush?

4. Leggings can be worn as pants

Whoever made the rule that leggings are either for working out or to go under dresses has clearly never shopped at Black Milk. Those leggings are not designed to be hidden. Who in their high and mighty throne of fashion lordship can decide how certain clothes can be worn? Wikipedia (the most accurate peer reviewed journal on the planet) tells me that t-shirts used to be male undergarments, and I dare you find a single person in Australia that hasn’t worn a t-shirt in public. The purpose of an item of clothing is always changing, what was once intended to be undies is now regular outwear, and what was once intended to be gym wear is now a fashion item in its own right. Viva le leggings as pants!

5. Ugly runners are not necessary for your commute

Wearing runners to and from work has come to be some sort of status symbol: “Oh my day is just too stressful that when I finish work I simply must put on the ugliest shoes I own just to get home.” No. Just no. I totally understand the pain of wearing heels all day, but why not buy some nice looking comfortable flats for your commute home? You can buy fold up ones that fit easily in your bag – some nightclubs even have vending machines selling them. There is absolutely no reason for you to wear horrid runners unless it’s some secret Illuminati sign of solidarity between business women that I am unaware of.

6. You need a working understanding of Game of Thrones

Not often does a book series/television series pervade popular culture as much as Game of Thrones has. If you admit to never seeing it, the crowd around you gasps and exclaims “You have to watch it! It’s so good!” If you’re not up to watching hours of gratuitous sex and violence, then I can help you my friends! Here is all you need to know: Tyrion is your favourite character, Jon Snow is worthy of a girl boner, you want to slap Joffrey and oh mah gawd you would totes turn lesbian for the Khaleesi. Armed with this knowledge you’ll be able to navigate any social interaction adult life throws at you – after all every conversation ends up at Game of Thrones eventually.

7. You need to be able to reference and laugh at Monty Python

Perhaps the only thing that will get you judged more harshly than not watching Game of Thrones is not finding Monty Python funny. If someone references it, or you see one of their sketches on TV you must roar with laughter. You must. Especially if you’re in the presence of people who want to think you’re cultured, witty and intelligent. The only thing that could top this is by referencing them yourself in everyday conversation – “Yeah my neighbour has eight kids” “Oh really? Is she Catholic? Because…. EVERY SPERM IS SACRED.”

8. Social media isn’t your best friend.

You should look at social media as that friend who is super fun to hang out with, knows everyone and can catch you up on all the gossip; the friend who you love sharing your secrets with but rarely keeps them; the friend who never looks after you when you’re drunk. Once you put something online it’ll be there forever – the pictures of you dressed as Hitler at that bad taste party, the time you posted a zillion Marilyn Monroe quotes after your boyfriend dumped you, every #cleaneating meal you eat, every time you leave the house. The Bling Ring managed to figure out when the celebrities they robbed wouldn’t be at home by looking at Twitter – don’t make it easy for criminals! Everything you put online can be used against you, bitches are ruthless.

9. It’s okay to still live with your parentals.

Delicious home cooked meals. Someone to do your laundry. Enough said.

10. Miscellaneous.

I found myself sitting here wondering what other advice I could give you, my dear graduates, and I got stuck. So I started asking my friends. Here are a few of the responses I got: learn how to use a photocopier (that shit is impossible), have kids – your ovaries are dying, career or family – you’ll regret either one, do the Time Warp again, it’s time to learn how to cook something a bit fancier than two minute noodles, Emily stop talking about this and pass me the Passion Pop. So apart from showing us that my friends are absolutely useless, it shows that everyone has a different idea about life after university. We all have different paths, and that is so okay it’s bananas.

Now excuse me while I order a pizza and play some Pokemon. I’ll be a grown up tomorrow. Maybe.

What I look for in a guy.

Although Eddie Redmayne is my perfect man and you need to look only at his face, listen to his voice of an angel and look at his film choices to see why, I have compiled a list to make up an ideal man for me. I'm not sure who is more unattainable - Redmayne or the man this list is forming.

1. Must know the proper definition of irony.

He has to know the definition without quickly going to Google it. And never casually uses the word inappropriately. "How ironic that you were swimming off the coast of the Gold Coast at the same time that I was having a bath in Perth!?" No motherfucker that's a coincidence, and barely that.

2. Must have a sturdy, old Nokia phone.

There's something really sexxayyyy about a guy who doesn't have FOMO. Not instagramming every meal, or every time the Starbucks barista spells his name wrong. Not tweeting every Jack Kerouac quote he sees. Not checking himself in every time he leaves the house. Not snapchatting his entire day of doing absolutely fuck all.

3. Must be smart.

Don't get this confused with educated. I do not care if a guy only finished primary school or has a doctorate, intelligence is a natural thing. The desire to learn about the world comes naturally. Plus I have a sneaking suspicion humour and intelligence are linked, and hilarious people are hilarious.

4. Must go to the gym but won't tell Facebook.

This is where the man steps into the realm of fantasy. If a guy isn't checking himself in at the gym, he'll have a status about how he can "barely walk after yesterdays legs day." Holy God you should not be bragging about keeping your body at a moderate level of fitness. By exercising regularly you are doing what every human being should be doing. You don't catch a guy updating his status with things like "I safely removed my USB today" or "I listened to my stereo loud enough to be enjoyable, but not too loud to bug the neighbours." These are simply things that people should be doing, though not everybody does. Hardly worthy of a Facebook status.

5. Must own at least five books.

I read in Dolly magazine (where I get all my life advice obviously) that if a guy doesn't own five books you shouldn't sleep with him. So I thought... YEAH. I'M ONLY GONNA BANG GUYS THAT READ. GUYS THAT READ CAN'T HAVE STD'S OR TREAT GIRLS LIKE SHIT. Fact. But George R. R. Martin did say that a person who reads lives a thousand lives before they day, the man who never reads lives only one. I want a man who'll live at least five lives in his lifetime, hardly too much to ask?

6. Must be passionate about something.

Politics, music, turtles, lamps, cars, the liberation of g-strings. I don't care what he's passionate about, as long as it's something. Probably not white supremacy though.

7. Must stand up for himself.

I'm not sure if it's most relationships or if my friends and I are really screwed up, but we tend to control our relationships through tyranny. The only way to end our terrible rule is to stand up for yourself. I want a guy who won't make me a grilled cheese just coz I threaten to withhold sex for a month if he doesn't.

8. Must like Pokemon.

And picked Chespin in X or Y. Lets be real guys, the other two look pathetic.

9. Must make bad taste jokes.

I can't help it, I just love bad taste jokes. Sexist jokes, racist jokes, all round politically incorrect jokes. My favourite jokes are the ones that you have to whisper, and the person listening goes "Oooooooh" as he or she looks around nervously for an offended face.

10. Tall, dark and handsome.

Obviously.



So there is my ideal guy. Personally, I think I'll have better luck waiting for Eddie Redmayne to realise he's passionately in love with me.

Tips for a perfect O-Week

1. Install Instagram

You don’t want to waste your O-week taking bland, rectangular photos do you? Before you even get to campus, make sure Instagram is installed on your smart phone. If you don’t have a smart phone…well, there’s not really much point in you coming at all. An O-week without documenting every cocktail, event, meal, and textbook purchase is an O-week not worth having. Nothing quite says ‘I’m here to learn’ like a slightly blurred around the edges, low-fi photo of your books on a lunch table.

2. Get drunk and meet people

Meeting people is all fine and dandy, but how are you supposed to sustain a real friendship with no drunk memories to fondly look back on? When you get drunk and embarrass yourself in front of new friends, you have a conversation starter for at least two weeks (at which point you need to get drunk with them again to make some more new memories).

3. Sign up for societies you have no intention of participating in

Well, you can participate in them I suppose…but it’s mainly just so you can tell your future employers that during your time at the ANU you were a member of the Law Society, Sociology Society, Film Society, Drama Society, Agriculture Society, Fishing Society, Lamp Society, Society Society, etc, etc, etc. Yep. Your resume just got awesome.

4. Attend as many events as you can

They may seem lame to you now, but you’re going to have to sit through a semester of people talking about all the exciting drama that occurred during them. Don’t you want to join in? Show the plebs how much fun you can be! “Oh my God did you see that girl fall off the stage in the pizza eating competition?” “Yes, yes I did.”

5. Look your best!

For the next three years you’re going to be too hung over to actually take pride in your appearance, so try and pack your O-Week with as many good-looking days as possible. Your peers will have this first O-week as a memory to get them through the next three years knowing that once, long ago, you actually did brush your hair.

6. Sign up for the campus gym

Most gyms have a café or something, right?

7. Do NOT attend orientation lectures

I know you must be excited about starting university for the first time, but seriously, I’m here to help. Here’s my summary of the important things they’ll spend hours talking about:

Make a study plan!

- There are student advisors to help you every step of the way

- Drink in moderation (LOL)

- Join the Student Union!

And then when you think it’s all over, they’ll point you in different directions to even more exciting orientations like the ‘Library Tour’ or the ‘Essay Writing Tips Seminar’.

Follow these tips, and you are sure to have the best O-Week ever!

You’re welcome.

How to make a horror film...

Interested in making a horror film but don’t know where to start? Well today is your lucky day because I’m here to guide you on your way.

1. Location, location, location!

Only an amateur would set his film in simply a mental asylum. It should be a mental asylum built on an ancient Indian burial ground. There was a doctor there who did cruel experiments on the patients. There was a horrible fire and all the doctors and nurses were killed. Now it is either abandoned or has been transformed into a University dormitory (I’ll leave the choice up to you).

2. Fake-documentary

It started with the Blair Witch Project and has culminated into a million Paranormal Activity movies. Not only does it seem to be increasingly popular, but it’s also cheap. Not only do you not need to spend money on expensive special effects, you also don’t even need to hire cameramen because your budget cast can hold the cameras. Genius.

3. Cast

Speaking of budget cast! Casting non-celebrities is the best option for you. Not only will it make at least a quarter of the population believe it’s real (a la Cannibal Holocaust and the aforementioned Blair Witch Project), but it will also save you a tonne of cash! DOUBLE WHAMMY AWESOME! The fact that they aren’t too popular also means when your creative and original movie takes off, they’ll be available for as many sequels as your brilliant mind can conjure.

4. Timing

It’s all about timing my friends! To show how much of an expert you are on wiccan practices, make sure the events of the plot occur on a solstice EXACTLY 50 years after the murder-massacre-fire-spell-witch hunt that originally caused your location to become haunted.

5. Characters.

Although Cabin in the Woods explores characters pretty well, let’s ignore them. You’re much too creative to fall for those stereotypes. In order to have a perfect horror film you need the following characters:

- Girl, white: Voice of reason, moral, doesn’t think you should go into that scary basement.

- Boy, black: Damn, shit, that is whack.

- Boy, Asian: He should be the biggest drinker of them all because you don’t believe in stereotypes.

- Boy, white: Macho tough guy, offensive, ignorant, dating the aforementioned nice girl.

- Girl, white/hispanic: Bitchy and slutty, must appear at least half-nude in order to have a successful film.

You might want to chuck in a helpful (or evil) old man, the only person working at the secluded petrol stations your characters are sure to stop at.

Voila, you have a recipe for success! Now go out and make me a horror film!

Facebook tips

TIPS FOR A PERFECT FACEBOOK

Following up from my smash hit ‘Tips For a Great MySpace’, is this much more current ‘Tips for A Perfect Facebook’. Follow these simple steps and you’ll be a Facebook superstar. Move over Boo!

1. Download Instagram

If you want a successful Facebook, you NEED Instagram. No one is going to take your photography skills seriously unless you can blur the edges of your pictures or heighten the contrast. You want your images to say “new age fun with a retro feel”. Take lots of pictures of your lunch, especially if it’s in a hip cafe in the city – or even better a city which isn’t your home town. Class. Pictures of your pets, family, footsteps in the sand etc. are also quite effective, as they show your friends that you truly do understand the important things in life.

2. Profile Photo

Although MySpace is dead and you’re no longer a silly fifteen year old trying to look rebellious in your My Chemical Romance jumper, you’re still a boundary pushing individual; many of the skills your learnt on MySpace can be transferable. Selfies still reign supreme, but the angle should be directly horizontal, rather than holding your camera above your head looking down. You’re REAL. You don’t need to hide your face. Instagram plays a crucial role in your profile picture. With this app, people will fully appreciate your individuality. One of the best things about Facebook (obviously the reason why MySpace is no longer popular) is that you can crop out your slightly ugly friends so people won’t know you hang out with those outcasts. It’s also important to display your serious modelling aspirations, so dress up in your best Ice dress and get your photography student friend to take some epic photos of you somewhere grungy and dangerous (for men, just get some Ray-Bans and a chest tattoo). You badass. Bonus points if it’s in Europe. Extra bonus points if it’s at a musical festival in Europe.

3. Humanitarian Efforts

In order to show all your friends how caring for the less fortunate you are. What is with celebrities donating all this money to charities? YOU can do a real heroic thing, and it’s easy. Find a picture of a poor caged animal behind bars, that has a caption along the lines of ‘Like if you’re against child abuse’. Then ‘like’ it. So easy. Don’t be surprised if you receive a Facebook message telling you you’ve been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Ghandi is rolling in his grave that he didn’t think of something like this.

4. Cover Photo

I’ve yet to swap to the new Facebook timeline, but my extensive stalking has educated me in the ways of the cover photo. This is the perfect place for you to show your personality. If you’ve recently been traveling, it is a must to have a picture of one of your favourite places. Big Ben! Eiffel Tower! Disneyland! Bali! Random idyllic rural street! Not all of us have the luxury of traveling, so it is still acceptable to use a picture of your pet, a picture of your favourite cocktail, a quote by someone much older and wiser than you (luckily for us, philosophers for hundreds of years have built up quite a database for thoughtful quotes to draw on), or just you and your friends having an awesome ladies night out (suck on that ex-boyfriend! He’s totally gonna notice how much fun you’re having without him!). Ooh, even a picture of your car, especially if it’s Instagram edited.

5. Family and Relationships

It’s good to have family on your friends list, you can always rely on them to ‘like’ or comment on your otherwise barren status update. If you’re having a tough day, a la “OmG just so over this shit. Love finding out hu my reel friends r!!”, you’re mum will be there to tell you to keep your chin up. That is, after all, what family is for.

It’s also become quite a trend to be in some kind of Facebook relationship with someone who you aren’t actually in a relationship with. This shows how much fun you are, and how close you are to the person who you’re ‘married’ to! Oh, how I wish I had a girl friend who was close enough to me to let me ‘marry’ her on Facebook! The fun we would have! If you’re more of the unfaithful type (Kristen Stewart take note), it also helps to hide your true relationship status. Genius!

6. Memes

No longer are memes resigned to TED conferences and scientists, they’re now a part of everyday humour. These days, a meme involves taking a well known or humorous picture and superimposing social commentary over the top. Don’t worry your pretty little mind about making one yourself, there are plenty of Facebook groups who do all the hard work for you. All you have to do is ‘like’ a picture you find hilarious, and the whole Facebook world will see how update you are on current affairs and how witty you are for understanding the meme.

7. Languages you can speak

Piglatin. LOL! Growing up in the 90’s hey?

Follow these steps, and you are well on your way to having a perfect Facebook!

xoxo Emily